There are few things that some married women enjoy more than getting together with other wives and having a full-blown bitching session about what a bunch of low-down, miserable, worthless, lazy, sloppy, gross, crude, barbaric idiots their husbands are.

There is one thing that a wife likes better than that, though. It is being able to brag on her husband to her friends and relatives about the wonderful things that he does to help out around the house. That being the case, take the lead here and get out in front of it. That is, pick two, three, or four things to do around the house that will surprise and please your wife and astound your mother-in-law.

Your New Best Friend

I highly recommend that one duty you volunteer to handle is vacuuming the carpets and floors. Here’s why: There is something about the hum of a vacuum cleaner and knowing that her husband is the one running the machine that gives a wife a euphoric high that borders on having a mental orgasm. In fact, some women have reported that they consider their husband vacuuming the floors to be a form of foreplay. That might inspire you to vacuum four or five times a week.

A woman gets married when she finds the man of her dreams.

A man gets married when
he wakes up one morning and says to himself, “I think it’s time to get married,” and he does – to the first woman who will have him.

Here’s a little tip – before you start vacuuming, go to the hardware store and buy a roll of electrical tape. Why? Because sooner or later you are going to run the vacuum over its electrical cord and the vacuum will gnaw the outer casing off the cord, exposing its bare wires, which, eventually, will cause the cord, and maybe the house, to catch on fire. Here’s where the electrical tape comes in. All is not lost, though. When your wife brags to her friends and relatives that you do the vacuuming, fully three-fourths of them will not believe her. She will then show them the vacuum with its taped-up electrical cord as physical proof that you do, in fact, vacuum. You see, women do not vacuum over the electrical cord. It’s a guy thing.

Here’s one final vacuuming tip: Abby will expect you to move the clothes hamper, wastebasket, bathroom scale, and other objects sitting on the floor and to vacuum behind them. From a guy’s point of view, this is overkill and most likely you won’t move them and vacuum behind them every time that you vacuum. So, occasionally, move one of those items and leave it sit in the middle of the floor, as though you forgot to put it back. When Abby sees it sitting there, she’ll be impressed, believing you have done a thorough job of vacuuming.

Adding to Your Repertoire

Find two or three additional things that you can handle that don’t take too much of your time and add them to your list, like taking out the garbage, shaking out the throw rugs, and occasionally washing and/or wiping the dishes.

One final thing that you will be well advised to add to your list of domestic skills is cooking. You don’t have to become a chef or anything like that, but find one thing – just one thing – that you can cook that you become famous for in your household. It can be anything – scrambled eggs, spaghetti, French toast, homemade ice cream topping, or grilling burgers. It doesn’t matter what it is and the only requirement is that it be reasonably edible.

The Extra Touch

As a final touch when you are doing your vacuuming, window washing, cooking, or whatever, whistle while you work. Your wife will interpret this as a sign of your contentment and she is sure to tell everyone what a happy warrior you are. And, when she hears you start to whistle, she’ll break into a smile. Look what you did – you made her happy!

Accolades

Abby probably won’t tell you this, but when she brags to her friends and relatives about what a fantastic volunteer you are around the house, they are bound to tell her, “He’s quite a catch.”

Ya, that’s you they’re talking about. And it’s a whole lot better than being the object of a good ol’ fashioned bitching session.

Excerpt is from Marital Advice to my Grandson, Joel: How to be a husband your wife won’t throw out of the window in the middle of the night